How to Have a Memorable Tuesday Afternoon

1. Go to your local library and log onto one of their computers.

2. Do important stuff like surfing the Web and answering your email before moving on to Blackboard.

3. Finish your Blackboard surfing within an hour or two.

4. Log on to Blogger.com.

5. Read some of the blogs posted by your classmates.

6. Open the Word program so you can retrieve the blog you want to post. Next, realize your chest hurts a bit in the heart area, noting some discomfort in your back and left arm and that there is a slight amount of discomfort when trying to breathe.

7. Trying not to panic; decide you are having an angina problem and take out your nitro.

8. Take a nitro pill and carefully monitor your galloping heart as the nitro seems to take affect.

9. Note that the nitro worked a bit but now you’re feeling icky and you want to get off the computer.

10. Post your blog “Trekkers V. Trekkies,” hoping that when you paste the sucker in the spacing is accurate.

11. Log off the computer and go sit on a bench by the desk of the computer librarian.

12. Tell you’re fine, but would she mind if you lie on the floor. It’s harder to fall when you are already flat on your back.

13. Put your feet on the bench and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes. When you are feeling better, you may get up.

14. Wander to the front desk and tell the librarian that if she hears you snoring over in the reading area, wake you up in ten minutes.

15. Sit in the nice, slouchy leather armchair and then decide to take another nitro pill.

16. Decide the nitro isn’t working all that great and you’re uncomfortable, so move the leather couch and lay down.

17. Take another nitro pill and hope to god this time stuff will stop being so uncomfortable.
18. After an hour of this, tell your librarian friend that you think you need to go to the hospital.

19. Wait for the ambulance, making small jokes to help with anxiety problem. Tell librarian friend to request no sirens, please.

20. Talk to really, really good looking police officer who arrives on the scene first and wish you were 25 years younger cause he ain’t married.

21. Let paramedics do their thing, get loaded in ambulance, travel over M53, which is incredibly bumpy and needs to be repaved.

22. Have paramedic person tell you your EKG isn’t showing a problem, but your BP is up. Duh! Listen to paramedic person tell you that perhaps your nitro is too old and is not working well. Try to decide if paramedic person is being condescending or you’re just hearing her talk that way.

23. Arrive at hospital. EKG is still okay. Get a stupid chest x-ray as a means for the hospital to make more money. Have ER doctor tell you the EKG looks fine. Have ER nurse say EKG looks fine.

24. Listen to mother bitch about not finding you right away. She listened to you when you said, “I’d rather die than be a patient at Lapeer Hospital ever again.” Listen to her story about how she drove to Lapeer, who said you weren’t there, and then she drove to McLaren, who said you weren’t there, and then McLaren called the other hospitals in Flint to find out you weren’t there either, then they call Lapeer and here you are.

25. Apologize to mother for going to Lapeer even after what you said.

26. Have ER doctor tell you you’re fine, again, but says if you want you can stay overnight and see the cardiologist in the morning. Decide you are not going to spend another five thousand dollars just to spend the night somewhere you don’t want to be.

26. Finally go home and start making jokes. “Boy, I spend $4,000 at the hospital and they didn’t even give me dinner. For that much money I should also have the chance for a roll in the hay.”

27. Feel like a total jerk because this is not the first time you’ve had a scare and since you have no money to speak of, how the hell are you going to pay this bill.

28. Go back to library to pick up your car and let the librarians know you’re fine.

29. Wait for librarian friend to leave a meeting so you can tell her you are fine.

30. Surprise librarian friend who gets flustered and rushes to give you a hug. Librarian friend weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet. Take note of this fact as you very gently give her a hug because she seems to breakable. Note irony that you’re a few times her weight.

31. Write up experience, injecting humor where you can.

32. Remind yourself to change out your old nitro for the newer stuff you have on hand.

33. Over the next week, every time one of the librarians ask how you are feeling, place your hand on your heart and start doing your Fred Sanford imitation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnfflRNpwKA&feature=related