Spring and Mom's Voice is in the Air

Be verwy, verwy cwy-et, we’re hunting skwurrul, heheheheheheheheheheheh!

It is officially spring at my house when I hear first thing in the morning my mother shouting at the squirrels to get out of the bird feeders. Yes! The battle has begun, and the squirrels will win—again!

We live on about two acres of wooded land, mostly pine with just a few maples and oaks. We think the pines may have been one of the many projects supported by the FDR years because of the approximate age and the fact they grow in pretty straight rows. Our house and “tamed” yard make up about half an acre, while the rest in back remains “wild” for the birds and deer. Of course it’s the birds that Mom tries to draw to the feeders. She was content with just a couple feeders, but when Grandma moved in, more were added for entertainment purposes—just not the kind Mom had expected.

The spring battles started about six years ago, and now moves through a specific sequence.

Step one: Mom yells out the window to scare the hell out of the trespassing squirrels, and then struts around the house as the world’s “champeen squirrel scarer-offer.”

Step two: Mom yells out the window and the squirrels take notice. But instead of running off they flip her the finger or their tails or both and go back to eating.

Step three: Mom hauls open the sliding glass door, which is heavy. She then rattles the sliding screen door, which is flimsy. The squirrels scurry away, laughing at her poor attempt at keeping them out of the food.

Step four: The glass door is kept open but not the screen door. Mom opens the screen door and yells at the squirrels, who snicker and amble away for a nap.

Step five: Mom opens the screen door and steps out onto the deck, yelling as she moves from inside to outside. The squirrels still snicker but scurry away because you never can tell if the crazy human is actually going to run after them.

Step six: Mom hunts for the BB gun and puts it near the sliding doors for the rest of the warring season.

At the start of the new day during June and part of July, steps one through five must occur before moving on to the next step.

Step seven: Mom picks up the BB gun and starts the pumping action, all the while shouting at the squirrels. She opens the screen door, takes aim, squeezes off the shot, and misses by a mile. The squirrels scurry away from the crazy human.

Starting about the middle of July until the squirrels settle in for the winter, Mom may or may not follow steps one through five. It mostly depends upon how tired she is, how badly the Tigers played the day before, and how crazy she feels after interacting with Grandma.

Step eight: Mom pumps the BB gun even more, yells, opens the screen door, shoots, and misses by yet another mile. The squirrels fall over from laughing so hard.

Step nine: Mom starts to talk to herself and wonders if any BBs are actually being shot out of the gun. She pumps a few times, takes careful aim at the tree two feet in front of her, and realizes no BBs have left the gun since the battle started.

Step ten: Mom fixes the gun problem, repeats steps seven and eight, then finally throws herself into her chair when it is too dark to see to shoot.

Who needs a dog that barks at squirrels when you have more entertainment watching your own mother?